INTERNAL MEMO: TO ALL DEPARTMENT HEADS
PLEASE READ AND SIGN
Dear All
We here at DumpyCorp™ are committed to the continued health and well-being of all our employees. Nothing lifts the spirits more than the sight of a department full of happy smiling rosy-cheeked workers beavering away in total contentment, and nothing looks worse to the casual eye than a motley band of workshy malcontents shuffling around with their attentions fixed on the carpet. It is in this spirit of pro-active joy sharing that we introduce our latest initiative: the “CHEER UP FROWN” board. One of these will be issued to each department and is to be placed in a prominent position wherever employees congregate, e.g. by the water cooler. A horizontal entry is to be made for each employee and over the course of each working day Happy Points and Frown Points are to be allotted by department heads, to be carried over to the fourth column where the weekly total will be assessed. The employees with the highest Happy-to-Frown quotient each week will be awarded a DumpyCorp™ branded head and wrist sweatband set and their names put into a raffle from which more quality corporate branded leisurewear might be won on a monthly basis. Those with the highest Frown deficit each month will be placed on a separate leader board located in the main entrance hall, where their aggregate scores will record the battle to defeat misery in the workplace. The highest negative scoring candidate at end of each tax year will be required to take compulsory redundancy. We are positive that this will help contribute to a lighter atmosphere in every department.
Further to our previous initiative drive: as part of our new, long-term action plan on reducing overheads and increasing profit margins we will be introducing a loyalty points card scheme. Busy people make the company look good, so points will be awarded to anyone seen beavering away at their desks at something important, working their lunch-breaks without being asked, or mentioning the company in a favourable light in conversations with complete strangers. Similarly points will be deducted each time someone is seen talking on the telephone or in corridors and on the stairs, whether work related or not, as tests have shown that such time wastage and/or misuse of the internal phone system is detrimental to a company’s self image and the feelings of self worth of every member of that company. Whoever tops the league tables at the end of each month will receive a special limited edition DumpyCorp™ T-shirt emblazoned with the epiphet “PROUD TO BE PART OF THE FAMILY”. The highest overall points scorer in each tax year will also receive a small engraved plaque, which is theirs to keep at their desk for the following tax year. Please note that this remains company property and removal from the building will result in the summary dismissal of the person or persons involved.
It has been noted that too much time is spent drinking tea and coffee and eating biscuits. Tea, coffee and biscuits are for client use only. Independent studies have noted that offices where workers were deprived of tea and coffee making facilities resulted in fewer trips to the bathroom and an increase in productivity due to the huge reduction in wasted man-hours across the company. Kitchen areas are now out of bounds to all staff except for kitchen runners, engineers and those staff responsible for the continued safe running of the area. Please remember that caffeine is very bad for you, so it is in your own best interests to comply.
Safety notice: Power tools are not toys and are to be used by AUTHORISED PERSONNEL ONLY. We understand the pressure that you have all been under but auto-trepanation is not the answer. If you must release the pressure please book an appointment with the engineering department where the procedure will be carried out by qualified staff.
As part of our cost-cutting drive we will soon be announcing the collective resignation of the entire accounts department. Henceforth all queries pertaining to purchase ledgers, client accounts and invoices should be directed to the member of the sales team responsible. All wages queries are to be dealt with by the appropriate receptionist. Department heads will continue to be paid by the usual means: a large brown manila envelope stuffed with cash to be left behind the bins at the rear of the building with your name on it. This is for tax purposes and will include any monies due as bonuses accrued up to that point.
It has been noticed that someone (henceforth to be referred to as “The Mole”) has been syphoning away our profits and irreparably damaging our corporate good name. The Mole is also responsible for producing a number of spoof DumpyCorp™ Bulletins and e-mails from important and well-respected members of staff. We have narrowed down our list of suspects to a shortened list of about a hundred or so hard-core miscreants and troublemakers, who will be coming under special attention over the coming months. Be warned, and warn your staff: we will find out who you are and you will be dealt with in the severest manner possible.
Random drug testing is to be introduced for all employees as of next month. Anyone testing positive for cocaine will be given a pay rise and asked to safeguard the interests of the company. We need alert-minded people with charisma and imagination such as yourselves to pick this company out of the doldrums and take performance off into the stratosphere where it belongs. You never know, you might even make Managing Director one of these days (subject to availability and fraternal approval.)
Thank you for your time and attention.
The Management.
The Artful Heffalump 